Saturday, May 28, 2011

Communication Traps and Emotional Scraps

Just wanted to share more insights from the book I'm reading, "Creating an Intimate Marriage" by Jim Burns. It dawned on me today that most people who would chose to read a book like this are in an unhappy marriage and possibly contemplating divorce or something. That's not us. Not AT ALL. I am madly in love with him and couldn't imagine my life without him. I just think that most of the challenges that we have with being apart are problems that are addressed in this type of book. We are already facing difficulties that are unlike most couples in the first few years of their marriage. Well, let's face it, most of them live together. They can hug and hold hands and cook dinner for each other, etc. This book stresses the importance of a weekly date night. Hmm... that could be hard to do.
One of the biggest hurdles that this book addresses is communication, which is the hardest thing to do from long distance. It talks about reasons we give each other emotional scraps. Being tired and over committed is one of the biggest culprits. That's definitely a factor for me. At the end of the day or after rehearsal when I am drained, it's such a challenge not to give him emotional scraps.
A phrase that really stuck out to me is "if we want a healthy relationship we have to put in the training and do what it takes to make it work." "Too many of us work on trying to be better instead of training to be." I have to strive to give Adam more than emotional scraps when I'm drained to make it easier in the long run.
According to Jim Burns, a relationship is like a bank account. We make deposits into each others' emotional well being by showing affection, warmth, and encouragement so that when we need to make a withdrawal by complaining or venting, we don't leave the other empty. I want to always leave him full.
Communication is going to be a challenge when we head to Canada for the summer. In three days. I'm in denial and REALLY don't want to go but it's happening and I need to get on board.
Luckily Adam will be there for a few days when I arrive! I can't wait! It's been a long month without him...


  1. I so feel you on this one!! It was true when we dated long distance and I still find it a huge challenge when I travel so is so hard to connect over the phone...especially when you have to stand there doing it instead of something else...when I am home we chat while I cook dinner or when he first gets home but in the road I am eaten with other people and then exhausted when I get home...

    I think that the fact that you even recognize I is n important is important not to deny it and like you sort of allude to think if it as a "problem". Every marriage has challenges and a lot of people ignore them...i like that you seem to want to address them :-)

    Hang in there!!

  2. Absolutely! And both of us hate being on the phone so it's easier to be doing something else at the same time...
    There are a few of us here in long distance relationships and we kind of refer to ourselves as the "lonely hearts club." I think it's important to be preemptive and proactive before any problems arise.

  3. ok, next time I reply I will not use the iPad...ugh on the spelling and word correction!!! At least you got the point :-)